Chapter 1: The Essence of Marriage

When we look online for wedding vows, they typically read like this:

I, ______, take you, ______, to be my (husband/wife), to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, until we are parted by death.

It's a clear commitment, one we’ve heard in various forms countless times. However, what's often overlooked is the absence of a mention of happiness—be it personal happiness or the happiness of our partner.

Marriage is a peculiar institution, seeming almost out of place in the early 21st century. If you doubt this, consider the statistics: with nearly half of all marriages ending in divorce, perhaps it’s time for a reassessment of our approach.

Historically, marriage was not rooted in romantic love until the 18th century. Instead, it was grounded in practicality, focusing on survival and arrangements rather than emotional fulfillment. Today, our relationship with survival has transformed dramatically.

For one, there’s no societal pressure to reproduce as there once was; the world has enough people. Additionally, many of our ancestors woke each day uncertain about their next meal or safety from predators or rival tribes. In contrast, most of us today enjoy a fairly predictable existence. Although unforeseen events can occur, our daily lives are often dominated by thoughts about work or leisure rather than survival.

This newfound security is a privilege. Out of the 117 billion people who have ever lived, we belong to a fortunate few. Advances in medicine and technology have afforded us longer lives, abundant entertainment, and the freedom to explore our identities. While modern challenges exist, it's undeniable that our lives surpass those of many historical monarchs.

Nevertheless, we often take this privilege for granted. Once accustomed to a certain lifestyle, anything less feels intolerable. We start to believe that our current situation is the norm.

Yet, with survival now more assured, our perceptions of marriage have evolved, even if we don't consciously acknowledge this shift. If we no longer depend on our partners for survival, what role do they fulfill?

Is it simply happiness?

This brings us to a complex issue. As a species, we struggle with the concept of happiness. Mark Manson articulated it well: we didn’t evolve to be happy; we evolved to survive. Happiness, in many respects, is a relatively new pursuit. For millennia, our focus was on mere survival, and now we’ve reached a point where thoughts of death rarely linger.

However, this leads us to believe that happiness should be our ultimate aim—not just in marriage, but in life overall. This mindset can lead us to irrational decisions. Capitalism thrives on creating unfulfilled desires, providing us with temporary fixes. In relationships, we often hear about couples contemplating separation simply because they "aren't happy anymore."

It’s important to clarify: I’m not advocating for anyone to remain in abusive situations. They should leave. But happiness was never a part of the marriage contract. Who ever included happiness in their vows? What about the promises made in sickness and in health?

But what exactly constitutes happiness? Biologically, happiness results from elevated levels of dopamine, serotonin, or oxytocin. If a dopamine spike is your objective, you could easily find it through substances or gaming.

Happiness is not the ultimate life goal we often assume. It's a temporary state, just like all emotions. Emotions signal changes in our surroundings as they relate to our objectives.

Happiness reflects our reactions to achieving a goal. Once that goal is met, the feeling becomes standard and fades into the background. This is simply how life operates. The issue lies with dopamine; it craves novelty. Once the initial excitement of marriage diminishes, what remains? Partners shouldn't fade into the background of our lives. We are more than that. While pleasures may come and go, a dedicated partner remains constant.

It's not that happiness isn’t important—happy individuals contribute positively to the world. But the focus of a relationship cannot solely rest on happiness. The pursuit of perpetual happiness is both unattainable and undesirable. There will be times of unhappiness, and it may not stem from your partner. It might not be anyone's fault. All emotional states are fleeting. When happiness becomes the focus, we risk overlooking our partners as they truly are, instead seeing them as a means to an end. They become an enabler of a fantasy that cannot endure.

Reflect on the wording of those vows again. They emphasize service rather than gain. What occurs when you stop gaining? Will you still support your partner through difficult times, which are inevitable?

So, what does this mean for us? Marriage should encompass more than superficial desires, correct?

In a technologically advanced society, marriage cannot solely revolve around survival—something largely unnecessary today—nor can it be about fulfilling wishes, which is ultimately unsustainable. So, what is it? Perhaps it’s about what science and technology were intended to provide us: the opportunity to explore our identities and potential.

It ought to focus on personal growth, not just technological advancements, but also growth as individuals. While human knowledge and capabilities have soared in the 21st century, emotionally and spiritually, we often remain anchored in the past. What value is there in technological progress if people remain stagnant?

Imagine traveling a century into the future, where technology has reached unimaginable heights. Climate stability, the absence of war, and fulfilled needs are the norms. Wouldn't it be disheartening if humanity remained selfish, petty, and discontented?

So, what should our focus be? How do we ensure not only our relationships but also our personal growth are future-proof? We know it can’t be solely about personal gain, nor can it be about service alone.

Modern relationships should foster deeper connections—ones that our survival-focused ancestors often lacked the opportunity to nurture. Building genuine connections requires depth both within ourselves and with others. The more we understand ourselves, the more we can connect with others, and vice versa. We forge these connections with partners who can elevate us to new heights, just as we strive to uplift them.

Today's partners should complement each other's weaknesses, enhancing one another's growth. With modern advancements, we have unprecedented opportunities to discover our identities and purposes. Seek a partner who is equally committed to this journey.

Each of us harbors more depth and potential than we realize. When the right individuals come together with shared intentions and focus, they can unlock more of that potential.

Certainly, mutual support is essential. However, today's relationships offer vast opportunities to create a life that is not just lived but cherished. The true purpose of marriage should be to elevate both partners beyond their individual selves. In the past, this synergy was about surviving together; in our ever-evolving society, it should be about thriving together.

Don’t marry for fleeting happiness. Instead, seek out someone who inspires you to grow into a better person. To attract such a partner, begin by improving yourself. A successful relationship is rooted in the quality of its participants, starting with you. Good people naturally foster the ability to honor their commitments.

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Chapter 2: The Pursuit of Meaning

In the context of marriage, we often chase happiness, but it’s essential to dig deeper.

The first video explores the reasons people often marry for the wrong reasons, emphasizing the need for deeper understanding.

The second video reveals misconceptions surrounding marriage, urging viewers to reflect on their motives for entering such commitments.