Navigating Workplace Boundaries: Managers Are Not Friends
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Understanding Workplace Dynamics
In my early career, I believed I had a particularly easy-going manager, which made my work life more enjoyable. While my colleagues often voiced their frustrations about their supervisors, I felt lucky to have someone I could relate to. However, this perception proved to be misleading. By 2021, the facade began to crumble, culminating in my departure from that role in 2022.
In January 2021, during a routine day at the office, my manager approached me, and his presence usually brought a smile to my face. But what followed was a conversation that left me disheartened:
“Have you finished that file?”
“No, I'm still working on it. I’ll send it by the end of the day.”
“WTF? I need it immediately. Things aren’t going well. Maybe you require a stricter manager,” he remarked, pointing to a colleague.
His abrupt and disrespectful tone caught me off guard, and while I had no issues reporting to that colleague, the manner in which he spoke made me feel belittled, which was unfamiliar territory for me. For an entire week, my self-esteem plummeted, hitting rock bottom when I learned he had been promoted to CEO. Suddenly, everything clicked. I realized that my previous impression of him as a friend was purely one-sided.
It took me months to recover from that experience, and it weighed heavily on my mind when I recently heard about a 25-year-old who tragically took his life due to work-related stress, despite being from a prestigious college. Thankfully, my family helped me navigate through that dark time.
We often place too much significance on our jobs and the people within them. Let’s explore the implications of this mindset and the potential remedies.
What Happens When You Take Work Too Seriously
Being overly influenced by your manager's behavior can lead to significant emotional distress. My family has always been understanding—a rarity in today’s world. From 2015 to 2022, like many working individuals, I faced periods of low morale that negatively impacted my family relationships.
Weekends became a time to escape. I turned to alcohol and junk food, but even then, genuine quality time with family was scarce. Gradually, I grew distant from loved ones, often responding to their attempts to connect with excuses like:
"Not available this weekend. Let’s plan for another time."
"I’m in a meeting. I’ll reach out when I can." (But I rarely did.)
Burnout became a constant companion, and my mind was always racing. I found solace only in alcohol, which exacerbated my depressive state. I never confirmed my mental health issues, but I suspected I was struggling. A harmful habit of blaming external factors for my circumstances took hold:
“Someone is playing politics.”
“They’re favoring others without cause.”
“My salary increase was low because the company was struggling.”
“He keeps interfering with my work. I can’t function.”
These thoughts took a toll on my physical health, leading to weight gain, poor eating habits, and neglecting exercise. My blood pressure and heart rate surged, becoming my new normal. My work quality declined as I concentrated solely on pleasing my manager, sidelining my own skills. I stopped thinking critically and simply followed orders to keep him satisfied. This dependency represented a major source of burnout and contributed significantly to job turnover.
Let’s look deeper into this issue.
We Work For Company Goals, Not for Individuals
“People leave managers, not companies.” — Marcus Buckingham
I didn’t grasp the significance of this phrase until my negative encounter with my manager. Reflecting on my experiences, I offer some advice:
Don’t tolerate unreasonable demands like:
“I need that presentation in fifteen minutes.”
“Can you take this call for me?”
“Wait for me; I’ll explain this. You can’t handle it.”
“Let’s finish this project, then we can take a vacation in the Maldives.”
These requests may appear productive but often lead to frustration. No one should pressure you into working under duress. If something is urgent, it often stems from someone else's lack of preparedness. Why should you bear that burden?
Seek clarity. If your manager can't provide satisfactory answers, consider it a red flag. Additional warning signs include:
- Needing your manager’s permission to communicate with superiors.
- Copying your manager on every email.
- Facing urgent tasks during your time off.
- Being reprimanded in front of others.
- Witnessing your manager take credit for your work.
What can you do? Cultivate independent relationships within your organization. Maintain open lines of communication with your manager, but don’t overextend yourself. Extra work for a minimal salary increase isn’t worth it. Remember, we work towards the company's objectives, not those of any one individual.
Understanding That They Can Never Be Friends
The notion of a ‘friendly’ manager is ultimately a myth. Your manager cannot be your friend. Period.
In a human-centric environment, it becomes easy to blur the lines. We often develop friendly relations with our supervisors, but this is where complications arise. Expectations can escalate, leading to conflicts and an inability to accept mistakes, as we seek empathy from them.
What should you do? Keep your interactions professional. Maintain distance at company events and avoid sharing personal stories.
To date, I haven’t encountered a manager who views their team as anything other than resources—human resources.
Retain Your Identity
Stay true to your work style and values.
In our attempts to please managers, we often:
- Adjust to their expectations.
- Imitate their methods.
- Mirror their speech and behavior.
But they shouldn’t be the benchmark. Life encompasses more than just your job. They aren’t mentors, so don’t regard them as such.
Do you genuinely aspire to emulate them? Focus on developing your skills and striving for excellence—this is the ultimate goal.
When my manager offered life advice, I felt inadequate. How could they dictate my future, earnings, or place in society? The fault lay not with them, but with me. I recognized the need for change, and I took action.
Takeaway
You are not merely your manager’s subordinate; your work should align with the company’s objectives. Your manager isn’t a friend—dispelling that myth is vital. Don’t let your supervisor dictate your self-worth. They are not your ultimate goal. Always maintain your identity.
The first video title is "Co-Workers Are NOT Your Friends - Understand Why - YouTube." This video discusses the complexities of workplace relationships and the importance of maintaining professional boundaries.
The second video title is "Your Boss Is NOT Your Friend - YouTube." This video delves into the dynamics of management and the necessity of keeping a professional distance from superiors.