Chapter 1: The Nature of Breakups

Navigating the aftermath of a breakup can be a challenging experience. Poet John Keats might have disapproved of my handling of my last relationship's end, as I sought closure in a way he found misguided. For those heartbroken, an unresolved ending is akin to a song stuck on repeat, where the needle never lifts, leading to an endless loop of pain.

Keats had a different perspective; he believed that true love should embrace uncertainty and detach from logic. In a letter to his brother, he suggested that individuals should find solace “in uncertainties, mysteries, doubts, without any irritable reaching after fact and reason.” He termed this concept “negative capability.”

In simpler terms, it means to stop overthinking and allow time to reveal the answers. However, this notion may seem idealistic to many, especially for those who, like me, dissect every text message and body language cue, searching for meaning in our breakup.

Eventually, I faced the difficult realization that uncertainty is a part of life, and often we may never fully understand why a relationship concludes. Perhaps Keats was onto something — the pain itself can serve as a lesson. Still, I found solace in a more analytical approach.

Chapter 2: The Scientific Perspective

Psychologists have approached the topic of breakups with a more empirical lens. While some might label this perspective as juvenile, research indicates that it can be effective. The primary obstacle in healing is often hope, as we tend to cling to pleasant memories more than painful ones — a phenomenon known as euphoric recall.

A 2017 study explored whether disrupting this cycle could expedite recovery from an ex. Participants engaged in three strategies: negatively reassessing their ex, viewing their past relationship neutrally, and finding distractions. This process, termed “love regulation,” involves using behavioral or cognitive methods to adjust the intensity of romantic feelings.

The findings were illuminating. Those who engaged in negative reappraisal (essentially venting about their ex) reported diminished feelings of love. The neutral group experienced no significant change, while those who distracted themselves felt better about their situation but still harbored strong emotions.

Another study replicated these results, reinforcing the idea that negative reflections can help diminish the idealized image of an ex. For instance, recalling annoying habits or embarrassing moments can help to strip away the illusion of perfection.

As for myself, I made a list of my ex's most irritating traits and shared it with a friend, leading to laughter and catharsis. This exercise aimed to diminish the glorified view we often hold of past partners, reflecting the idea that “Kings and philosophers shit — and so do ladies.” — Michel de Montaigne.

While this technique provided temporary relief, the lasting impact of positive memories lingered, proving that our hearts often cling to the good even amidst the bad.

Matthew Hussey ON: How to Get Over Your Ex & Find True Love in Your Relationships

In this insightful video, Matthew Hussey shares strategies for overcoming the pain of a breakup and finding true love again.

Chapter 3: Philosophical Insights

Turning back to philosophy, Jean-Paul Sartre suggested we often remain in unsuitable relationships due to “mauvaise foi” or “bad faith.” This concept describes our tendency to deceive ourselves about the choices that lead us into unsatisfactory situations. Sartre illustrates this with a scenario of a woman on a date, ignoring red flags because they contradict her preconceptions.

After a breakup, it's common to fall into a similar trap, romanticizing what we hoped our relationship would become instead of accepting its reality. D.H. Lawrence offered a contrasting viewpoint, claiming that “real happiness” is intertwined with pain, suggesting that only through suffering can we fully appreciate life’s complexities.

So, which method is more effective — the scientific approach or the philosophical one? Perhaps a combination of both logic and emotion is the best course.

The “sour grapes” perspective can be bitter, yet the pain often feels sweeter. Ultimately, we can choose to embrace both experiences.

How To Get Over Your Ex - YouTube

This video provides practical advice on overcoming the emotional turmoil of a breakup, blending psychology with personal anecdotes.

“Sometimes you will never know the value of something, until it becomes a memory.” — Dr. Seuss

Carlyn Beccia is an acclaimed author and illustrator. For more information: www.CarlynBeccia.com.