Chapter 1: A Journey Through Regret

It's been two decades since I had you in my life, and I often find myself pondering why you still occupy my thoughts. In response to Yana Bostongirl's Know Thyself prompt from January, I am reflecting on this connection.

Photo by Joe Pearson on Unsplash

Looking back, I now understand that you were sent to me as a blessing, a refuge from the turmoil that loomed ahead. I believe that a higher power placed you in my life to protect me from the darkness that threatened to engulf me.

I want to share my truth. Like many, I struggled with my desires. Recently, I’ve been reading Huma Abedin’s memoir, where she describes a once-perfect life disrupted by her husband's downfall. This narrative resonates deeply, as the fallout affected not just their family but also rippled out to the nation.

Why does desire exert such a powerful influence on us men? My own obsessions and dependencies have significantly altered my life’s trajectory. Faced with numerous temptations, I made the regrettable choice to let you go, unable to differentiate between true affection and fleeting infatuation. My overwhelming urges clouded my judgment.

In my quest for fleeting encounters, I lost sight of the profound connection we shared. I now realize that had I chosen differently, our relationship could have flourished into something sacred, honored by the divine.

Regrettably, I veered off course. Was I at a pivotal moment? Certainly. I often wish I could have shielded you from the pain and turmoil that followed our separation. I have been hard on myself, believing I deserved the hardships I faced after losing you. Perhaps three tumultuous experiences later, I recognize the need to forgive myself because when you reentered my life, you showed understanding.

You reassured me that our youth made our past mistakes forgivable. The bond we shared will always hold a significant place in my heart. Whenever I see pictures of your eldest daughter, I experience an inexplicable joy and pride. Your kindness towards my mother on her birthday would melt any man's heart.

I feel increasingly grateful witnessing your happiness—married and thriving in a lovely neighborhood with your beautiful dogs. At least one of us found that joy first, and it suits you well. This will be my final reflection on this chapter, and I hope you take the time to read it. If not, I have found peace with my past.

I am done blaming myself for what I perceive as one of my life’s biggest mistakes. I now acknowledge that I failed to appreciate our potential.

I embrace my ever-evolving journey through life. As Oprah said in her masterclass, I am learning to flow with the current.

There is still one more relationship I need to stop holding myself accountable for—my former self. That version of me ceased to exist in 2020 and didn’t carry over into 2021 or 2022. It’s time to let go of that past.

Thank you all for taking the time to read my reflections. I appreciate the encouragement from Yana Bostongirl for keeping my creativity alive.

I also want to express my gratitude to Rebecca Rine for her heartfelt article about a winter walk, which resonated deeply with me. In 2021, I also wrote about my own walking adventures and the importance of staying present amidst life’s challenges.

A special shout-out to Lucy Dan, whose unique perspective brings joy to my reading and interactions. Today, however, I found myself ensnared in an unwanted conversation, and I paid the price for it.

Chapter 2: Letting Go of the Past

In this chapter, we explore the themes of forgiveness and personal growth, encouraging readers to release the burdens of past decisions.

The first video, "How To Stop Blaming Yourself For Your Breakup," features a deep dive podcast with Adam Roa, offering insights into overcoming self-blame and finding closure.

The second video, "Blame's On Me" by Alexander Stewart, serves as a lyrical exploration of accountability and emotional release, resonating with the themes discussed in this chapter.