The Rise of Sensory Smartphones

In a world where apps dominate our lives, there’s one trend that really grinds my gears: the incessant sharing of food photos on Instagram.

Honestly, when I'm served by those slightly disinterested servers, I don’t find myself fixated on my meal. (What’s the proper term for them? It’s on the tip of my tongue.)

Sure, some dishes are visually appealing, but so are Tide Pods and soap—definitely not items you should consume!

And while it’s true that I occasionally get a pang of hunger when my chiropractor shares her latest culinary adventure at that trendy fusion spot, it leaves me feeling just as empty as my colon post-cleanse. (Seriously, why does she keep sending those? Is she trying to flirt? My LinkedIn status says I'm “happily self-partnered”!)

As a self-proclaimed business and tech shaman, I channel the Spirits of the Market for insights—one of which is the notorious Invisible Hand. However, I’m particularly drawn to the untapped markets of the future. They guide me in identifying pressing issues that could lead to lucrative innovations.

This obsession with food photography prompted me to delve deeper into the smartphone realm, leading to a startling epiphany. (Pause for dramatic effect here.)

Smartphones, as they exist today, are limited to transmitting just two forms of information: visuals and sound (and let’s be honest, sound is mostly background noise for TikTok clips).

Sure, you can indulge in a pimple-popping video, but it’s never going to compare to the satisfaction of doing it yourself.

This realization, in my view, underscores a significant crisis of our times.

Fortunately, my exploration revealed some groundbreaking technology from 2013 that allows taste to be transmitted directly to your tongue using electrodes.

Don’t worry, I won’t bore you with the technical jargon—I'm no engineer! But according to my findings, tastephones are poised to be the Next Big Thing.

Sure, your chiropractor might still annoy you with photos of her salmon haggis topped with chocolate sprinkles and lima beans, but you won’t be easily deceived by the minimalist presentation anymore (you know, those places where the food-to-plate ratio is absurdly skewed).

Instead, you’ll simply lick your phone to determine if the displayed pixels represent something edible or just a decorative facade. This tech could revolutionize the restaurant industry and appeal to food lovers everywhere. If the trend of food influencers continues, restaurants might soon need to hire interior designers instead of chefs, turning culinary masterpieces into mere decor.

Of course, tech enthusiasts will likely develop "Taste Photoshop" or "Taste Snapchat" filters, making the online food experience far superior to reality. The exquisite trout that seems to melt in your mouth when licking your Samsung Galaxy might taste more like cardboard dipped in fish juice. I’m coining the term “fishfishing” for this phenomenon and will be filing for a patent shortly.

The applications of this technology extend beyond food presentation on social media. Imagine an app called “Tongueder,” where singles could swipe left or right with their tongues. Each user would have a tongue profile, matching them with the best kissing partners. In a fast-paced world, skipping straight to the kissing part seems much more efficient, but alas, my potential matches don’t share my forward-thinking vision.

And let’s not overlook the adult film industry, which has historically spurred technological advancements (it’s either that or the military). They might just be the first to embrace this tongue-stimulating smartphone tech. I’ll leave the sordid details to your imagination. (Just a heads-up, I might have to excuse myself for a moment.)

If all this sounds absurd and raises concerns about my mental state, fear not. The spirits are simply using me as a conduit. I can only hope to attract investors with open minds and wallets.

However, I’m facing a chorus of skeptics. Just yesterday, I met a biomedical scientist at a cocktail bar who couldn’t stop complaining about how much bacteria phone screens harbor—ten times more than toilet seats!

This PhD holder completely missed the point. I’m already reaching out to a contact in the pharmaceutical industry to develop probiotics for phone screens. Just think: a lick of your iPhone could replenish your gut bacteria! Who would have thought that one day, Apple products might actually taste like their namesake?

The first individual to uplick this article fifty times will win a Virtual Wine Tasting Tour of their choice. For more pioneering tech news, click here:

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