Finding Spirituality in Writing Through Insecurities
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Chapter 1: The Shift in Creative Expression
Recently, I had a transformative conversation that helped me navigate a challenging period. I've adapted this dialogue into a narrative to share with you, though much remains true to my original thoughts. What starts as a struggle with writing evolves into a significant spiritual realization. Join me as I explore this journey.
I was discussing my partner Ghost's relationship with cooking, which has been vital to him but feels lost. This sparked a revelation for me: writing, once a source of joy, now feels tainted. I no longer experience the same pleasure in writing that I once did.
As I reflect on this, I've uncovered numerous issues that I hadn't previously acknowledged. Writing used to be my outlet when verbal communication felt inadequate. I relished sharing my thoughts on Medium, where I sought validation and acceptance.
However, now I find myself indifferent to the validation from my Medium connections. The topics I still crave acceptance for are daunting; I'm hesitant to explore them for fear of being misunderstood or causing offense, potentially jeopardizing friendships over an article.
What's the purpose of risking relationships?
It feels simpler to express myself anonymously on a new account, one that I could abandon if things go awry. Yet, I've been a part of TAM for two years, albeit without significant success. People know me, which complicates my desire for freedom of expression.
Lately, I've contemplated streamlining TAM to focus solely on the podcast and starting fresh under a new identity. There's a part of me yearning to unleash my creativity, transforming the Accidental Monster from a cute axolotl into an awe-inspiring dragon. My immediate reaction is to ponder what name that new persona would take.
I realize I might be addicted to starting anew. After all, a fresh start means no past to reconcile. The allure of the internet lies in its capacity for reinvention. Yet, I regret creating multiple accounts and splitting my focus; these actions stemmed from fear and likely hindered my growth.
I've come to terms with the fact that I often flee from challenges. Running feels more manageable than confronting the difficult work ahead. This tendency has shaped my interactions with people, dreams, and relationships, and starting anew has often felt like the easier route.
As a child, I learned that my family's love was conditional. Their expressions of love seemed to vanish when I made mistakes, leading me to believe I was unlovable during those moments. This experience shaped my adult perspective, making me assume that love from others is similarly conditional.
In my teenage years, I rebelled against these constraints, acting out in ways I now regret. As an adult, I conformed, finding a false sense of safety in erasing my true self to fit in. This false love became something I relied on, even from my Medium community.
My chosen family sometimes triggers feelings of conditional love, reminding me of my past. Minor deviations from their expectations can evoke feelings of rejection, making me desperate to eliminate those conditions or conform to them.
This constant struggle is exhausting.
My upbringing fostered insecure attachments, leaving me with a fragile foundation. Initially, I thought I could build on this shaky ground, but then I realized that I aim to create an ecosystem rather than a mere structure.
To thrive in such an environment, it requires nurturing, growth, and the cycle of life and death. Relationships today are nourished by the remnants of past connections. Tomorrow’s relationships will emerge from the ashes of those I must let go.
Understanding that impermanence is a vital lesson I need to embrace. Ancient Buddhist teachings remind me that nothing remains unchanged. Everything is transient—relationships, feelings, and even friendships.
When I consider this perspective, it reassures me that upsetting a friend may lead to a deeper bond rather than a rift. Change is the only constant, and every moment holds the potential for growth.
So, dear reader, as you navigate your journey, remember to follow your own path and embrace the changes that come your way.
The first video titled "Overcoming Insecurity for Emerging Writers" features Laurel Thomas discussing the challenges writers face and how to navigate them while fostering self-acceptance.
The second video, "Embracing Your Unique Creative Path," explores overcoming insecurity and comparison, encouraging writers to embrace their individuality and creative journeys.