Are you experiencing an unhealthy dynamic in your relationships? Do you find yourself giving much more than you receive? Do you go to great lengths to assist others without considering the impact on your own life? Do you feel a strong urge to please people and struggle to assert yourself? If you answered affirmatively to any of these questions and are not a parent, it’s possible you might be codependent.

Don't be alarmed—you're not alone, and it's possible to break free from these harmful behaviors.

While all relationships exhibit some level of codependency, it becomes concerning when we routinely set aside our own needs to cater to someone else's. The balance of giving and receiving becomes skewed, often leaving us with a nagging feeling of discomfort when we overextend ourselves.

Having grown up in a household with an active alcoholic, I experienced this firsthand. When my mother found sobriety at the age of twelve, I was left to navigate an emotional landscape that was often confusing:

Some days she welcomed my youthful energy; other days, I had to remain utterly still beside her while she napped. Occasionally, she allowed my friends to stay over, but other times, she couldn't tolerate guests. One moment, we would be enjoying a meal together, and the next, we would be rushing outside to prevent her from lying in the street after receiving criticism.

My mother's erratic behavior left me feeling destabilized and lacking the security I craved as a child.

I didn’t fully grasp the effects of her drinking on me until I grew older. Even though I was no longer subject to her unpredictable behavior, I struggled to shake off the codependent survival mechanisms that had taken root—likely because I was unaware of their existence. I also didn’t recognize how these behaviors jeopardized my other relationships, especially the one with myself.

Some of the repercussions included:

1. Helping others excessively, often at my own expense.
2. Doubting my feelings and instincts.
3. Pretending that everything was fine when it clearly wasn’t.

A Catholic upbringing further heightened my vulnerability to codependency. The golden rule, "do unto others as you would have them do unto you," was deeply instilled in my family. Helping neighbors took precedence over self-care. Consequently, I offered everyone whatever they wanted, often ignoring the toll this generosity took on me. Wasn't that the Christian way?

Living just outside New York City, friends would often ask me to pick them up at Kennedy Airport. On a map, the trip seemed straightforward, but in reality, it could take hours due to heavy traffic and poorly maintained roads. Finding parking was a challenge, and I couldn't simply dash into the airport to find my guests.

Rather than decline and risk disappointing my friends, I would endure the stressful journey while suppressing my true feelings—only to later resent both my friends and myself.

If there were a scale measuring selfishness, where zero represented selfless giving and ten represented complete narcissism, I was at a one—until I learned to find a better balance between my needs and those of others. It took years for me to understand that being "selfish" wasn’t a negative trait.

Today, when someone labels me as selfish, I view it as a compliment reflecting my growth.

Ignoring that unsettling feeling deep within us, we often narrow our lives to manage someone else's unpredictable behavior, leading to a constant state of tension.

Why does this happen? If we remain silent when someone mistreats us, they have no incentive to change. We fear that by asserting ourselves, we might face backlash, or worse, abandonment.

As an adult child of an alcoholic, I find myself drawn to the familiar traits of those who struggle with addiction, which can feel exhilarating at first. However, when the initial excitement fades, I’m left confronting the reality of being entangled with another active addict, and that realization can be terrifying.

Listening to someone lie to me brings me back to my childhood, disrupting my sense of reality and triggering my ingrained codependent instincts. I convince myself that I must be misunderstanding the situation to avoid the discomfort of potential rejection.

I revert to my childhood role, striving to placate my mother in a world filled with conflicting messages.

Lying to myself helps me sidestep the inevitable anger from my loved ones, often accompanied by an assault on my sanity. However, it also keeps me trapped in an abusive relationship, creating a false sense of safety amid lurking dangers.

Relationships with active addicts are fraught with uncertainty, mixed signals, and fleeting excitement.

This prolonged uncertainty is exhausting. It leaves us emotionally drained, never knowing whether someone will be warm and welcoming, withdrawn, or irritated by our presence.

In an attempt to manage that unpredictability, I would go to great lengths to be the perfect partner, often suppressing my own needs and desires to align with someone else's whims. Because their wishes shifted constantly, I found myself on an emotional roller coaster.

It took years for me to realize that I needed to step off that ride for my own sanity.

In a toxic codependent relationship, strange behavior can become the norm.

Until I learned about codependency and recognized the personalities I was drawn to due to my upbringing, many of my relationships were destined for failure. I had developed a high tolerance for abnormal behavior. My brother often remarked that if anyone in our family sensed something was amiss, it was probably much worse than it seemed.

In healthy relationships, we wouldn’t tolerate erratic behavior from another for long, nor would we ignore our own needs indefinitely. Yet in a toxic codependent situation, odd behavior becomes the standard for both parties involved.

Unbeknownst to us, we become like the proverbial frog in boiling water, slowly acclimating to increasingly harmful conditions.

Throughout this time, we suppress our natural instincts for survival.

To escape this harmful environment and restore equilibrium in your life, it’s essential to rediscover your self-love (or find it for the first time).

Treat yourself with the same kindness you offer others.

When I finally recognized my codependent tendencies, I understood that I needed to change my behavior. I had to shift my focus from others to myself, acknowledging my intrinsic worth. Challenging ingrained patterns and beliefs was not an easy feat.

To start valuing yourself, trust your instincts.

Your feelings serve as indicators of your well-being. Follow your intuition—the quiet voice that alerts you when something feels off will strengthen over time. Pay attention to it.

If you need assistance, consider seeing a therapist. Breaking lifelong habits can be challenging, and professionals can guide you in developing healthier ones.

I began scheduling "dates" with myself, reflecting on what made me happy, and then pursuing those activities. I treated myself to spa days, bought myself flowers, turned off my phone, and spent quiet evenings doing what I enjoyed. I became my own strongest advocate and best friend.

It requires practice, and initially, prioritizing your needs over others may feel uncomfortable, but persist. You will improve.

Numerous books address codependency, and "Co-dependent No More" by Melanie Beatty is a must-read. CoDA, a twelve-step program, can help you learn how to lead a balanced life and identify your codependent habits. As previously mentioned, professional counseling can also be immensely beneficial.

Be prepared for potential negative reactions from loved ones, family, and friends as you begin to change. They may yearn for the "old you" because you were so willing to go to great lengths to keep them happy.

Both individuals in a relationship flourish only when they support each other's growth and endeavors.

As a codependent, saying "no" can feel terrifying, as if doing so would lead to the end of your world. You may believe your partner would leave you, leaving you alone forever. There often seems to be no middle ground.

Healthy relationships establish clear boundaries. It’s acceptable to say "no," set limits, and express your feelings. If your partner reacts with anger or frustration, they will eventually come to terms with it. If they don’t, you may need to reconsider the relationship.

I recall many instances where my boyfriend would ask me to run errands when I was exhausted from work. My body urged me to rest, but I often ignored it to avoid conflict.

He’d typically argue that it was easier for me to shop while I was already downtown. Ironically, he made this request while I was navigating the challenges of grocery shopping from a wheelchair.

I would agree with him, but internally, I’d question, "Easier for whom?" Reluctantly, I’d comply, believing I was demonstrating love.

Now, I recognize that true love means expressing my feelings and reminding my partner that we share the responsibilities of our relationship. Otherwise, I risk becoming resentful, which can manifest in passive-aggressive behaviors, like forgetting to buy the specific ice cream he requested.

As Tom Petty aptly puts it, it's time to wake up!

Start living your beautiful life now, free from the constraints of an unhealthy relationship.

Once you cultivate a healthy relationship with yourself, you'll wonder why you waited so long. You may initially overcompensate by asserting yourself, but that’s part of the process. Ultimately, you'll learn to balance your needs with those of others.

Years ago, when I began my transformation, I focused on what I desired and what brought me joy. Now, when someone requests something from me, I pause and consider whether I genuinely want to comply. Initially, simply answering that question was challenging, as I had never truly considered my own wants.

It took time to prioritize my needs and desires, forcing me to engage with my life actively. I learned to value and love myself.

When I focus on my own life rather than others, I witness the miracle that is my existence. I nurture and respect myself in healthy ways, and guess what? My relationships improve and become genuine.

Learning to live in balance is a gradual journey. I occasionally find myself slipping back into old habits, but the good news is that it takes me less time to regain my footing.

We all possess a remarkable and unique gift to offer the world. Once you honor and respect yourself, you’ll uncover what that gift is and how best to share it. Don’t be surprised if you find that the gift is simply you.

This interpretation of the golden rule is flawed; it should also imply that we ought to treat ourselves as we treat others, but that's a discussion for another article.

Explore additional articles on codependency right here on Medium. Here are a few you may find insightful:

Want To Get Better At Setting Boundaries? Do These 3 Things First. We establish boundaries to safeguard ourselves. To do so… link.medium.com

Confessions of a Codependent: What is Codependency? Join me as I delve into the depths of my heart. Codependency is often misunderstood… link.medium.com

Codependent Relationships: Understanding them is the key to overcoming them by: E.B. Johnson Romantic relationships can be complex, but codependent relationships are… link.medium.com