Understanding Why You Can't Change Your Partner Through Love
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Chapter 1: The Misconception of Fixing Partners
In my life, I've always felt a strong urge to help. Whether it's rescuing animals in need, cleaning up litter on the roadside, or being there for friends during tough times, making the world a better place has always been a priority for me. While some might view this as overly idealistic, I believe that individuals can wield more influence than they often realize.
However, when it comes to romantic relationships, I must acknowledge that attempting to "save" a partner is an exercise in futility. They are not like distressed animals we can nurture back to health; they are complex individuals. Change in people occurs only when they genuinely want it and are prepared to embrace it.
The essential elements for change include two key aspects: the desire to change and the readiness to act on that desire. Many individuals wish to improve their lives; however, a sincere wish alone is insufficient. For real transformation to take place, both desire and effort must coexist. If one is missing, true progress is unlikely.
The impetus for change must come from within the individual. We cannot impose our desires onto them or force them to undertake the necessary work for change. This is often a misguided use of our energy, as trying to fix our partners rarely leads to success.
Throughout my own experiences, I’ve been involved with "fixer-uppers"—people who may not meet my expectations but seem to have potential. They often express a wish to improve, yet they rarely take the steps necessary to do so. Love, fear of loss, or other reasons rarely drive genuine change unless an internal necessity arises. Their potential remains untapped, not because it isn't there, but because they lack the motivation to pursue it.
While love can inspire us to become better individuals, it cannot transform someone who is not ready or willing to change. We can't love someone out of their past traumas, but we can support them as they navigate through it. The real issue arises when we mistakenly believe that our partners will change solely because they voice a desire to do so, or because we wish for it.
Section 1.1: The Importance of Acceptance in Relationships
Healthy relationships should be rooted in acceptance. In romantic partnerships, we are called to love our partners for who they are, flaws included. This does not imply that we should neglect our personal growth; rather, we should focus on improving ourselves instead of trying to correct our partners' flaws. Ultimately, the only person we can change is ourselves. When we truly love someone, we should embrace them for their current reality rather than their potential.
Subsection 1.1.1: Acknowledging Personal Flaws
I’ve always had the best intentions. I often saw the good in people, but upon reflection, I realize that I sometimes had to squint to see it. I ignored numerous red flags and justified problematic behaviors. The potential I thought I saw might have been an illusion, but it made me feel needed, and that dependency provided a sense of security.
When we become involved with individuals based on their potential, we may be masking our own need for healing. Healthy individuals don’t seek to fix others, but those who are hurting often do. Although my intentions were well-meaning, I had unresolved trauma that needed attention. Focusing on someone else's issues became a distraction from my own.
There was a time I dated someone without fixating on their potential. I accepted them completely, allowing space for their imperfections—just as I have my own. Despite my love and support, the relationship ended. Even in offering safety and care, I couldn’t compel them to heal in the way our relationship required. I had to accept their rejection as part of that reality. Just as we can't force someone to change for love, we also can't make them love us if they don't feel it.
Chapter 2: The Importance of Self-Reflection
The first video, "You Can't Fix Him," delves into the complexities of relationships and the challenges of trying to change a partner. It explores the reasons behind our desire to fix others and encourages self-reflection.
Section 2.1: Exploring Personal Accountability
I could delve into concepts of free will and choice, but I want to emphasize the importance of understanding our own decisions. We can analyze others endlessly—why they change, or why they don’t. However, the real intrigue lies in personal accountability within relationships. In focusing too much on others' potential, we often neglect our own goals and healing needs.
By fixating on "projects," we overlook our own need for transformation and growth. When a desired relationship faltered, I confronted the reality that my focus had distracted me from my own complex history of trauma and the healing I needed. Intellectually, I understood this, but emotionally, my resources were entirely directed toward the relationship, leaving none for myself.
After the relationship ended, I found myself in pain, a feeling all too familiar. Without the distraction of another person, I had no choice but to confront my long-ignored trauma. This healing journey shifted my perspective on my history, allowing me to focus on my own needs.
I no longer feel the urge to fix others. As a mental health clinician, my role is to guide others toward self-healing. I realize now that I can't save anyone but myself.
Section 2.2: Redefining Relationship Dynamics
The second video, "Cody Carnes – Firm Foundation (He Won't)," emphasizes the need for strong personal foundations in relationships. It highlights the importance of mutual support without the expectation of change.
The project partner becomes a distraction, whether charming or amusing. If we’re preoccupied with helping them reach their potential, we often ignore our own. It’s crucial to ask ourselves what we gain from these imbalanced relationships. Are we seeking validation? What underlies that need? Are we avoiding our own healing?
Healthy individuals don’t seek out projects; they look for compatible partners who can meet them where they are. If we find ourselves continuously trying to rescue someone in the chaotic landscape of dating, it’s time to reflect on why this pattern persists and what healing we truly need to embrace.
To All the Former “Pick-Me” Girls: I’m Proud of You
Choosing ourselves takes immense courage.