The Pattern to End All Patterns

In the 1960s, psychologist Dr. Stephen Karpman introduced a destructive power dynamic that unfolds in relationships, which he termed the Drama Triangle. This model illustrates how individuals adopt various roles within their relationships.

The roles include the victim (the distressed individual), the persecutor (the aggressor), and the rescuer (the savior).

Unconsciously, you may find yourself and your partner switching between these roles.

When I first encountered this dynamic, it was a profound revelation for me. Memories of all those fleeting connections with women facing their own struggles flooded my mind.

I often assumed the rescuer role, taking pride in my self-appointed expertise on numerous subjects, which allowed me to offer unsolicited advice. This behavior momentarily inflated my self-esteem.

The rescuer exerts control over their partner under the guise of helping the victim.

The victim, in turn, has an exceptional knack for invoking sympathy from their partner through their helpless demeanor.

Meanwhile, the persecutor exhibits aggressive behaviors towards the victim.

Interestingly, the victim can also assume the persecutor role when they feel abandoned by the rescuer, who may retaliate by becoming the persecutor if their guidance is ignored.

In my relationship, Mrs. B often played the victim. I perceived her life as riddled with problems that needed my intervention. In hindsight, what I considered to be issues weren’t necessarily so, but I framed her circumstances as such to justify my role.

How Did This Manifest in Your Parents' Relationship?

Acknowledging your role in a dysfunctional relationship can be tough. A helpful way to start is by examining a relationship outside of your own—such as your parents’.

Upon reflecting on my life, I realized where my issues stemmed from.

As children, we absorb countless lessons from our parents, both beneficial and detrimental.

For clarity, I will discuss this dynamic through the lens of a male/female relationship. It's important to note that the dominant energy is more relevant than the gender itself, as it pertains to masculine and feminine traits.

If you are male, your understanding of women is often shaped by your father. Conversely, if you are female, your relationship with men is influenced by your mother.

It won’t surprise you to learn that my father exhibited a strong dominant energy—typical traits of both rescuer and persecutor.

My mother, on the other hand, was more passive, allowing external factors to dictate her feelings and actions—characteristic of a victim.

The Drama Triangle that ensnared me was unknowingly played out in my parents' dynamic.

Think back to the roles your parents assumed in their relationship.

Additionally, you’ll notice that you may engage in the Drama Triangle not only in current or past partnerships but also with your opposite-sex parent.

I Am That Darn Fool

During a men’s group session, I had an enlightening moment when the concept of the Drama Triangle was explained to me. I began recognizing my negative contributions to my unhappy relationships.

I was eager to rush home and inform Mrs. B that she was acting like a victim. However, my attempt to enlighten her did not go as planned.

I was baffled as to why she couldn’t see it.

Understanding my behavior, her reaction, and how to move forward required deeper introspection.

The Four Horsemen

The ongoing adherence to the Drama Triangle is what Drs. John and Julie Gottman refer to as “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.”

These four horsemen represent distinct communication styles:

Criticism (persecutor and victim): This involves expressing disapproval of your partner based on perceived faults or mistakes.

When you communicate this way, you may believe you are critiquing their actions, but in reality, you’re attacking their character.

Contempt (persecutor): This communication style conveys a message that your partner is unworthy or beneath consideration.

It often manifests as name-calling, mocking, or belittling in an attempt to manipulate your partner’s behavior.

Defensiveness (victim): In response to criticism, you may become defensive to protect yourself.

This style often ignores your partner’s concerns and avoids taking responsibility for your role in the conflict.

Stonewalling (victim): This occurs when you withdraw from engagement with your partner due to feeling overwhelmed.

Behaviors associated with stonewalling include avoiding eye contact, physically turning away, or failing to listen.

Recognizing these destructive patterns is the first step toward resolving underlying issues.

Practices to Move Forward

With an awareness of your roles and communication styles, you are better equipped to progress.

Buy-In

While you may feel inspired, your partner might not share the same enthusiasm. For a relationship to thrive, both individuals need to be committed to improvement. It’s essential to communicate your desire for growth in a responsible manner.

When expressing your realizations to your partner, be cautious not to slip into the Four Horsemen communication styles, especially if they react negatively.

This was the mistake I made.

When I first brought up the Drama Triangle’s influence in our relationship, it didn’t go well.

After explaining the concept, I hastily labeled her as a victim, which led to a defensive response from her.

Realizing my error, I paused to reassess my approach.

I shifted my focus to discussing my own role within the Drama Triangle, acknowledging how I embodied the hero and persecutor in our relationship, and how my communication affected her.

After sharing my insights, I waited for her response.

At that moment, she began to engage, and we discussed how the dynamics I described resonated with her understanding of the victim role.

A newfound lightness enveloped our relationship.

To resolve such issues, obtaining your partner's buy-in is crucial. Taking responsibility for your actions is a vital step.

Courses

Relationships can be emotionally intense, particularly intimate ones.

While reading articles or watching videos can provide insights, participating in structured courses can offer a more profound exploration of your relationship challenges.

Two excellent starting points include:

1. The Gottman Institute - They offer various online courses that tackle the Four Horsemen, conflict resolution, and fostering a loving relationship.
2. The Marriage Course - This is a seven-week program focusing on different topics each week. You don’t need to be married to participate, and while there may be occasional religious references, it shouldn’t deter you.

The course was crafted by an English couple and is facilitated through weekly meetings that include videos and a journal. Some exercises are done during the sessions, while others are intended for completion with your partner before the next meeting.

Conversations during these exercises remain confidential among participants.

We took the course online, and the facilitator ensured that all couples’ microphones were muted.

Set a Time

Enrolling in a course is one thing; committing to it is another.

If you don’t designate a specific time each week to engage in the course, outside distractions will likely take precedence.

You may feel motivated initially, but that enthusiasm could wane over time.

Establish a consistent time and day each week to work on the course together.

If you struggle to commit, consider joining a course with a fixed schedule that requires group participation, such as the Marriage Course.

Concluding Thoughts:

Realizing how you’ve been trapped in an unconscious pattern can be liberating.

However, even with awareness, these dynamics may continue to play out.

Stay vigilant and supportive of your partner.

By changing how you respond, the relationship dynamic can transform swiftly.

If you are dedicated to personal growth and don’t see results, focus on understanding the underlying reasons without self-criticism.

Awareness fosters understanding, which drives behavioral change.

You are both the problem and the solution.