Healing from relational trauma, particularly narcissistic abuse, often requires different approaches at varying stages of recovery. Based on my experiences, this journey typically follows a trajectory that isn’t strictly linear. Certain strategies might be more beneficial early on, while others come into play later as healing progresses. Here are several suggestions tailored for each phase of recovery.

Initial Healing Strategies:

ONE: Create a "red flags" list. Compile a list of all the warning signs exhibited by the toxic individual during your time together. This can serve as a reminder that the relationship was fundamentally unhealthy. Utilize your calendar as a memory aid and organize your thoughts into three columns: 1) Date, 2) Event, 3) My Response. When I did this, I was shocked to find that in the "My Response" column, 90% of the time it stated, "I let it go."

PURPOSE: This exercise helps combat any tendencies toward "abuse amnesia" or second-guessing your decision to leave. Reflecting on these red flags can reinforce your understanding of the relationship's toxicity and aid in reconstructing a coherent narrative of your experience. Trauma-related memories often feel fragmented, so organizing them chronologically can be immensely helpful.

TWO: Prioritize self-care. Engage in activities that reduce stress and nurture your well-being. Practices like acupuncture, massage, spending time in nature, or indulging in art and music can be particularly beneficial.

PURPOSE: This isn't merely a cliché; the stress from both being in and leaving a toxic relationship can be overwhelming. Your nervous system likely remained in a heightened state of alertness during that time. Therefore, giving yourself gentle care is crucial for recovery, allowing for clarity in addressing your needs (refer to the concept of "Letting the Snow Globe Settle").

THREE: Educate yourself. Whether through reading, watching informative videos, or sharing experiences with others, this is a prime time to learn about common patterns of narcissistic abuse.

PURPOSE: Knowledge empowers you. Understanding the dynamics of what you experienced reinforces the fact that the abuse you endured was not your fault, counteracting any misleading narratives you may have internalized.

Mid-Stage Healing Strategies:

FOUR: Reflect on your values and aspirations. This can be done through journaling or with the assistance of a trauma-informed coach. Consider prompts such as: - What has always been significant to me? - What activities bring me joy, irrespective of others' opinions? - When do I lose track of time because I'm fully engaged? - What qualities do I admire in others? - What stirs feelings of anger or frustration? (The opposite likely represents your values.)

IMPORTANT: Avoid sharing these realizations with the toxic individual. They will only seek to undermine your progress.

PURPOSE: Many victims of narcissistic abuse have dedicated excessive time to fulfilling the needs of others at the expense of their own happiness. Narcissists often undermine their targets' self-worth, especially during the devaluation phase, so reaffirming your sense of self is vital for healing.

FIVE: Reflect on your self-worth. Shift your focus to recognizing your value. Consider these journaling prompts: - What do I appreciate about myself? - What positive feedback have I received from close friends or family? - What affirmations would I like to adopt? - What acts of kindness have I recently performed for myself?

PURPOSE: Many who have experienced narcissistic abuse struggle with feelings of worthlessness instilled by their abuser. Focusing on your self-worth can help rewire negative thought patterns, leading to healthier beliefs about yourself.

SIX: Challenge toxic relationship myths. Push back against common misconceptions, such as "everyone is trying their best" or "it takes two to create conflict." You can express your differing perspective or simply hold your thoughts internally if it feels safer.

PURPOSE: This serves two functions: it raises awareness about harmful myths that perpetuate abusive dynamics and validates your own experiences, aiding in the reformation of your beliefs.

SEVEN: Practice setting boundaries. Gradually expand your comfort with boundary-setting, akin to training for a marathon. Begin with low-stakes scenarios, such as expressing your needs to supportive friends, before addressing more challenging situations.

PURPOSE: Healing is hindered when past wounds are continually reopened. Establishing boundaries provides the necessary space for recovery, and practicing this skill is crucial for those conditioned to prioritize others' needs over their own.

Advanced Healing Strategies:

EIGHT: Examine recurring relationship patterns. With a professional or on your own, analyze any patterns that may be unhelpful in your relationships. Reflect on how you react to these behaviors and consider if new strategies might be beneficial.

PURPOSE: At this stage, curiosity about your role in past interactions can be illuminating. While the abuse you endured was not your fault, identifying personal patterns can help you grow and avoid similar dynamics in the future.

NINE: Investigate your "Super Traits." Identify which traits resonate with you, how they serve you, and where they might leave you vulnerable to manipulation.

PURPOSE: Understanding that your strengths can also be your weaknesses allows for deeper self-reflection without self-blame for past experiences.

TEN: Complete the Post-Traumatic Growth Inventory. This tool offers insights into the concept of post-traumatic growth, focusing on personal development following trauma.

PURPOSE: This inventory can illuminate the hidden strengths and lessons gained from your experiences, highlighting the potential for growth amidst adversity.

This article was originally published on The Good Men Project.

About Ann Betz Ann Betz is a co-founder of BEabove Leadership and an expert in the intersection of neuroscience, coaching, trauma, and human transformation. She speaks, trains, and coaches internationally, and writes on these subjects as well as relational trauma. Ann is also a published poet who enjoys cats, rain in the desert, and nurturing healthy relationships.