Chapter 1: The Evolution of Rivalry

When I embarked on my journey in the publishing world, I found myself closely observing the progress of certain colleagues. These individuals became my initial professional rivals. Interestingly, this tendency to monitor rivals began even before my publishing career; it took root post-college when former classmates started relocating to New York City for publishing roles. In contrast, I was back at my parents' home, preparing to apply for jobs in the industry. This transitional phase lasted just six months, but by the time I arrived in Queens, I already felt a sense of being left behind.

I had never considered myself a particularly envious person—competitive, yes, but not envious. In school, I didn’t waste time wishing for someone else’s backpack or traits. While I wouldn’t have minded being more attractive or talented, I accepted my limitations without dwelling on them.

However, upon landing an assistant position at a prominent women’s magazine, I began to see rivals everywhere. Colleagues at prestigious publications, those with impressive bylines, and faster promotions all became part of my new landscape. Instead of feeling discouraged, my competitive nature drove me to work diligently. As I put in more effort, I began to see improvements—acquiring bylines, changing titles, and even going on business trips, which felt significant at the time. I allowed myself to dream that perhaps I could become someone else's rival one day—after all, why not?

As I entered an MFA program, I was introduced to a fresh batch of rivals—writers who had stories published, secured agents, or even released entire books. I found myself in a sea of competition, and I thrived in it. A memorable moment occurred in the dining hall when a teacher mistook me for another talented student, which motivated me to push even harder.

While conventional wisdom often suggests that comparing oneself to others is detrimental, I disagree. The issue arises only when comparisons are made poorly. When done constructively, such comparisons can serve as powerful motivation. Recognizing rivals didn’t breed jealousy in me; instead, it sharpened my focus. (Pro tip: It's best to avoid informing someone that you view them as a rival—it can get awkward.)

Even after completing my MFA, I continued to monitor the achievements of a fellow writer who resembled me. I wasn’t measuring myself against her; rather, I was gaining insights into what was achievable.

If this perspective seems more aligned with admiration than rivalry, you’re not mistaken. This approach offers a fresh take on the traditional concept of a nemesis. If we define a nemesis as a "long-standing opponent" (thanks, Oxford), it’s clear that society often attaches a negative connotation to rivalry. A rival can also be someone you respect and admire, a person who challenges you to grow. When managed properly, such relationships can be beneficial.

The key is self-awareness. Pay attention to your emotional responses when you learn of a peer’s success. If you feel joy for them, that’s a positive sign. However, if feelings of envy arise—beyond a fleeting moment of jealousy—it may indicate a larger issue in your own journey. This is a critical time for introspection: Have you stopped putting in effort? Are you dwelling in bitterness? Do you resent others’ successes merely because they are out of reach? (This is a slippery slope.)

Conversely, you might find yourself no longer viewing anyone as a competitor, a realization I had not long ago that led to a significant epiphany. I recognized that I had stopped engaging in the game. More than that, I was pretending there was no game at all, a defense mechanism I had mistaken for enlightenment. I learned that while opting out of certain competitions can be healthy, withdrawing from too many can signal a deeper issue.

If you once thrived on competition but now feel detached, it may signify personal growth or a shift in your aspirations. If that’s the case, celebrate your evolution! But before you raise a glass, take a moment to reflect: "Is this what I truly desire?"

Any answer is valid. Just remember that societal norms equating contentment with virtue do not apply universally. Especially if you find yourself feigning contentment because you feel it’s expected.

For me, the realization that I was not content catalyzed a shift toward a more fulfilling career—one where I focused on writing rather than merely discussing it while stuck in uninspiring jobs. I was seeking that internal spark I had long taken for granted.

If having a worthy opponent or two can reignite that motivation, I’m ready to seek out new rivals—perhaps even muses.

If this resonates with you, I invite you to explore more of my thoughts, book recommendations, and insights at shirleybooks.substack.com. Let’s connect!

Chapter 2: The Impact of Rivalry on Growth

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