The Emotional Void of Childhood

As a child, I became an expert at seeking validation. I diligently checked off all the boxes: good grades? Absolutely. Chores around the house? Done with enthusiasm. Yet when I eagerly presented my straight-A report card or showcased my neatly made bed, I was met with little more than a cursory glance and a half-hearted, “Good job.”

Each dismissive moment absorbed into my heart, accumulating layers of disappointment. Where was the love? Regrettably, it seemed to be absent.

One vivid memory is from the 7th-grade science fair. After weeks of effort constructing a volcano that erupted with smoke and faux lava, I was convinced this would finally earn me my parents’ pride. The day of the fair arrived, and I took first place. However, when I returned home, my mother barely acknowledged me, engrossed in her magazine, while my father was preoccupied with work calls. That moment—standing in a quiet living room, trophy feeling heavier than ever—was when I decided to stop searching for validation in the stars above.

It was a pivotal moment, a realization that I needed to be my own guide. If validation were currency, I was bankrupt. But as they say, hitting rock bottom can serve as a strong foundation for building something new.

Learning to Seek Validation Within

I used to dismiss the idea of an “Aha!” moment, believing life was far messier than that. Yet, during my first year of college, amidst newfound freedoms and mistakes, I experienced my own. After ending a long-term relationship, I found myself spiraling.

One night, after a day of isolating myself while listening to a playlist called “Sulk and Sob,” I wrote a letter to myself. It may sound odd, but in that solitude, without distractions, I found clarity. I listed everything I appreciated about myself and every small victory I had achieved alone. Suddenly, a light bulb illuminated my mind: why was I waiting for others to validate me when I could derive satisfaction from my own recognition?

From that moment, I shifted my focus away from seeking external validation to investing in my own emotional well-being. The returns have been remarkable. I became my own greatest supporter and toughest critic, much like a baker who enjoys every piece of cake while still knowing when it requires a touch more sweetness.

The world didn’t change; people remained unreliable narrators in my story. But I discovered a wellspring of emotional resilience within myself, and it felt like striking gold.

The Cost of Disappointment

You know the saying, “Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me”? That resonates deeply for those of us who have endured heartbreak from those we trusted. Trust isn’t given freely; it’s earned through shared experiences. When those meant to support you let you down, the feeling is akin to purchasing a ticket to a ride that’s out of order.

For hyper-independent women like me, such betrayals become a twisted form of currency. Each letdown reinforces our emotional self-reliance, leading us to see dependence as a weakness. However, this independence comes with a hidden cost. While being self-sufficient is empowering, it often results in a profound sense of isolation.

The Balance of Independence and Loneliness

We all have that moment when the scales tip. For me, it wasn’t a grand event but rather a subtle realization. One evening after a particularly tough day, when my friends were absent and my dating life was bleak, I felt the familiar urge to reach out for emotional support. But I paused, took a breath, and realized I felt... okay. More than okay—free.

Understanding that I didn’t ‘need’ anyone sparked a mix of emotions. It was both liberating and a touch melancholic. From that point forward, every relationship became a choice rather than a necessity. I was free but aware that freedom can come with its own complexities.

The Dual Nature of Independence

Here’s the truth: being hyper-independent is both a blessing and a curse. It’s like having exclusive access to the best party while your friends remain outside. You’re in, but is it where you truly want to be?

Independence liberates you from the exhausting cycle of emotional neediness, placing you firmly in the driver’s seat. Yet, it can also bring loneliness. You build a fortress around yourself, but sometimes that fortress becomes a prison.

This leads to a poignant question: is this independence, or a self-imposed exile? Emotional self-sufficiency can be a defense mechanism, but at what cost? In real life, human connection is not a luxury; it’s a necessity.

A Shift in Perspective

Imagine a world where emotional independence isn’t viewed as radical but as the norm. A place where strength comes from both holding hands and knowing when to let go. In this world, we wouldn’t hide our feelings away, fearing they might make us seem vulnerable. Instead, we would embrace the full spectrum of human emotion, learning to validate ourselves before seeking it from others.

Value and meaning wouldn’t hinge on social media statuses or holiday invitations. Instead, they would be found in solo adventures, cherished books, and personal achievements that reflect our unique joy.

So, I challenge you: Could you thrive without clinging to societal expectations like a lifeline in a turbulent sea? Sometimes, the most revolutionary act is to question the norms that promise comfort but ultimately confine us.

This first video challenges viewers to stop seeking validation from others and focus on self-acceptance.

The second video emphasizes the importance of self-validation and the realization that seeking approval from others is unnecessary.