The Art of Receiving Valuable Feedback When You Need It Most
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Everywhere I turn, discussions about feedback are prominent. This topic resonates in workplaces, educational settings, and throughout personal development literature, podcasts, and articles.
Feedback acts as nourishment for growth. However, it often feels scarce and when it does appear, it may not be the most constructive kind.
Having spent years in academic research and writing, I’ve encountered a considerable amount of feedback. In my role as a learning design expert, I frequently contemplate how and when students can be effectively primed to receive feedback.
You could say that feedback is a constant thought in my mind.
Upon deeper examination, it becomes clear that obtaining valuable feedback is quite nuanced. Consider the following questions:
- What kind of feedback do we require, and at what moments?
- Who provides constructive or detrimental feedback?
- What type of feedback do they offer, and how does it serve us?
- How do we relate to the person giving the feedback?
- What emotions do we associate with the feedback we receive, and how does this affect our ability to process it?
I aim to delve into the emotional complexities involved in receiving feedback and uncover some guidance on how to engage with feedback effectively.
Let’s begin by exploring the three key types of feedback givers: cheerleaders, critics, and coaches.
The Dynamics of Feedback
I recently had a conversation with a writer friend who posed an intriguing question:
"I can provide feedback on your latest story, but what role do you want me to take? Should I be your biggest supporter, a harsh critic, or a knowledgeable adviser?"
An interview with Adam Grant reminded me of this inquiry, as he discussed the three kinds of feedback givers:
- Cheerleaders
- Critics
- Coaches
He suggested that coaches are the most valuable feedback providers. While cheerleaders and critics have good intentions, they can sometimes hinder the process of receiving useful feedback.
While this perspective has merit, I believe the situation is more intricate. Each type of feedback giver contributes something distinct, and we shouldn’t hastily overlook the other two.
Understanding Cheerleaders, Critics, and Coaches
As my writer friend noted, individuals can adopt any of these feedback roles depending on the situation.
In a friendly capacity, I might play the role of a cheerleader, offering encouragement from the sidelines. Conversely, I may switch to critic mode if a purchased product doesn’t meet my standards. In my professional life, I don the hat of a coach, sharing insights derived from hard-earned experience.
These roles can overlap as well.
A knowledgeable friend might alternate between being a cheerleader and a coach based on the context, complicating the question of who we should seek feedback from.
When we start to look closely at the dynamics of feedback, it becomes evident that it involves not just information, but also the emotions and relationships involved.
Emotions Affect Feedback Dynamics
Discussing emotions in the context of feedback may rub some individuals the wrong way. Adam Grant certainly emphasized a transactional view of feedback, suggesting that coaches provide the most significant value.
While there may be room for varying feelings between those who advocate for "tough love" and those favoring a gentler approach, the essence remains: expert advice leads to skill enhancement.
Reflect on your own experiences for a moment.
How did you feel during your last performance review? What was your reaction when a friend suggested that skipping your afternoon snack might be beneficial?
Receiving and providing feedback is inherently emotional.
Fear is often associated with feedback. Many well-intentioned sources claim that we must confront our fears, and receiving feedback can indeed be daunting. It can feel like we’re peering into a void filled with uncertainty and hope.
However, I would argue that the act of receiving feedback encompasses a broad spectrum of human emotions.
It could manifest as the anxious husband, fretting that his culinary efforts will lead his family to opt for takeout, and feeling immense relief when his wife expresses a desire for him to cook again.
It may also be the student in distress, awaiting exam results, or the employee fuming silently during an annual review when faced with suggestions from a manager who seems clueless.
Feedback can evoke feelings of guilt over shortcomings or pride in accomplishments. Research indicates that interactions between students and lecturers can trigger a wide range of emotional responses.
The emotions experienced by feedback givers can also be intense.
Most individuals find delivering negative feedback uncomfortable, even if they see it as part of their responsibilities. Studies reveal that a significant percentage of managers find providing negative feedback stressful.
Who truly wants to be the harbinger of bad news? This is why the "compliment sandwich" method—starting with a positive note, followed by a critique, and concluding with another positive remark—is a common approach among managers and educators.
Additionally, consider that we might be more receptive to even harsh feedback if we are properly prepared to receive it.
I once participated in a spin class where the instructor would energetically push us to work harder for 45 minutes. Surprisingly, I loved it! However, on a different day, I could easily envision myself walking out in search of a gentler instructor.
Thus, our mood can influence the type of feedback we seek, which in turn shapes what we receive and when we receive it.
Trust Matters in Feedback Reception
I have a strong inclination to be skeptical of positive feedback. Regardless of whether the feedback giver is a cheerleader, critic, or coach, excessive praise raises red flags in my mind. My inner voice questions whether they truly understand my work or if they are merely being kind to avoid hurting my feelings.
This skepticism extends to criticism from strangers, which often merits a cautious approach until further evidence is provided.
Consequently, trust becomes intertwined with our emotions, impacting how we interpret the feedback we receive.
I’ve witnessed students react defensively at the suggestion of enhancing their research. They often dismiss my feedback as stemming from personal bias rather than objective critique, which is rarely the case.
While I don’t take such reactions personally, it’s disheartening to see students reject constructive feedback. Ultimately, once emotions settle, many realize that my intentions were not malicious.
Our ability to assess the quality of feedback can become skewed by distrust in the messenger. We may overlook valuable insights, or conversely, we may overvalue praise from someone we admire.
Our instincts can overpower rational judgment, causing us to dismiss helpful advice and accept unconstructive suggestions.
We cannot ignore the importance of trust. We seek feedback precisely because we lack the insight to evaluate our actions independently. We must have faith that the feedback provider possesses the expertise or perspective we lack.
Thus, the process of seeking and receiving feedback becomes rooted in our emotions, with our willingness to accept and act on advice influenced by our trust in the source.
Finding and Heeding Constructive Feedback
We’ve identified the three categories of feedback givers and explored how emotions can lead us astray or guide us correctly in seeking feedback. Additionally, we’ve observed how trust can complicate our response to feedback.
So, what steps should we take?
While it’s no simple task, before reaching out for feedback, pause and reflect on a few key questions:
- What type of feedback am I currently seeking? Am I looking for affirmation or a detailed plan for improvement?
- Who will I approach for feedback?
- Do I have confidence in this person, and is that trust justified?
- How am I emotionally reacting to the prospect of feedback? Will I be upset by unfavorable comments, or will I feel relief at receiving a clear path forward?
In their book "Thanks for the Feedback," Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen provide practical strategies for managing emotions during the feedback process. By identifying triggers, delaying reactions, or engaging in self-reflection, we can create a buffer between the feedback we receive and our emotional responses.
However, no approach is foolproof.
We may still encounter misguided advice or overlook valuable insights. It’s human nature to sometimes heed voices that lead us astray. Yet, by remaining mindful of our feedback objectives and understanding the interplay of emotions and trust, we can strive to receive valuable feedback precisely when we need it, even if we don’t always get it right.